Here's the Scoop: October 10, 2012

The gift of sugar
Cookies, it is a well-known fact, will make willpower crumble. Easily.
That’s why it was a case of Good News - Very Bad News when my wife arrived home last week with a large bag filled with an assortment of cookie boxes. The cookies had been a gift and well, I have always heard: “Stuff things from a gift horse in your mouth,” so I did. Often.

I realize that such actions aren’t undertaken in the best interests of health. But, these were good cookies. In all the right flavors — caramel, coconut, chocolate, ginger, almond. Did I mention coconut?

When all of the cookie boxes were spread out on the counter, I could only stand back in admire. There were no guarantees that the cookies would taste as impressive as they appeared in those well-designed boxes, but I had confidence. I immediately volunteered to provide my unprofessional — yet respected — opinion.

The really nice thing about the cookies (aside from the yummy taste, as it turned out) was that they were small.

“I can eat a bunch of these and it doesn’t even equal one ‘real’ cookie,” was how I tried to justify my massive amount of cookie consumption.

“Plus, I have to keep going back to the kitchen to get more — that burns off some of these calories that I’m packing on,” I added.

Making myself feel better
Having these ready-made excuses on hand (there was no room in my hands, they were filled with cookies, naturally) somehow made it OK (well, less bad) as I tried to excuse my gluttonous ways.
“I haven’t had many sweets in the last few weeks,” I mumbled to my wife, crumbs tumbling from my mouth.

Well, that’s what I was trying to say, she received the message as: “Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm.”

After all these years, actions were speaking much louder than my pathetic excuses for overeating. My wife knew exactly what I was trying to say. She had heard it before.

“You forgot the part how you’re trying to help the dairy farmers by drinking large volumes of milk to accompany the cookies,” she responded.
“Oh, yeah!” I smiled through my milk mustache.

Showing some restraint
Before I provide the wrong impression, it’s not like I ate all the cookies at a single sitting. Plus, while plentiful in number, the boxes weren’t terribly large. I did, however, consume my share. More than my share, if there is some sort of chart to track such things.

As the days passed following the arrival of The Big Cookie Haul, I began to get a series of questions such as: “Are the (fill in the blank) cookies all gone?”

There was really no need to answer. My expression said it all. Adding to my guilt was the fact that I had spent several days moaning about a stomachache.

I’m pleased to report that I didn’t consume every last cookie. There were several flavors that don’t rate high on my list of favorites. Although, if those varieties continue to linger in my cupboard, I may just lower my standards a bit. As long as we have a good milk supply.

— Brian Sweeney